Its is 5AM and I suddenly woke up with the compulsion to create this blog.
I am severely depressed. So much to the point that I wake up at night and just cry. I try to go to sleep and get the feeling that I'm watching a horror movie. Only it is my life swirling out of my control. I have no use of my own happiness. It is like the sunny lightbulb that was in my brain has been slowly dimming for years. As of a year ago it went out completely and the rest of my body is feeling the effects of no light, no Sun.
I have no steady job and live with a roommate whom I'm constantly tiptoeing around. Trying to force myself out of bed when he is home so he want think of me too much as a loser. When he leaves I get right back under the covers into my hiding spot. But now even the cover of my blankets can't hide the thoughts in my head of fear, regret, sadness, and embarrassment. I am very hard on myself and have been all my life. I used it as a survival tool to get me though the those awkward teenage years. Now the compulsion to make myself work harder and be better then I was the previously has consumed me. I've pushed myself so much that my body is physically exhausted from just thinking of all the things I can't do. All the memories I try to suppress come back with a vengeance. All I think about are my mistakes and not my trumphs.
I can't tell if I am drifting further from my friends or if they are drifting from me. No one cares to visit or call to see how I am doing. I realize now that I have become a buzz kill and no one cares to be associated with one of those. That is one of my greatest fears. It puts a huge weight inside me. My friends are the most important things to me and without them I feel like I am nothing. But they go on without me. Leaving me behind like the small child no one else wanted to play with on the playground. I was that kid by the way.
But I think that I tried to help people so much that I lost sight of who I am and aspirations as a person. I feel empty. Without knowing what makes you happy is the most frighting experiences I have ever been though. It makes you not want to eat or breathe or talk. I just want to think and try and remember what where those little nuggets of things that made me smile or drove me to get out of bed everyday with a bright attitude. In my life I haven't been truly happy through most of it. But I know what it feels like and I need it desperately.
I am severely depressed. So much to the point that I wake up at night and just cry. I try to go to sleep and get the feeling that I'm watching a horror movie. Only it is my life swirling out of my control. I have no use of my own happiness. It is like the sunny lightbulb that was in my brain has been slowly dimming for years. As of a year ago it went out completely and the rest of my body is feeling the effects of no light, no Sun.
I have no steady job and live with a roommate whom I'm constantly tiptoeing around. Trying to force myself out of bed when he is home so he want think of me too much as a loser. When he leaves I get right back under the covers into my hiding spot. But now even the cover of my blankets can't hide the thoughts in my head of fear, regret, sadness, and embarrassment. I am very hard on myself and have been all my life. I used it as a survival tool to get me though the those awkward teenage years. Now the compulsion to make myself work harder and be better then I was the previously has consumed me. I've pushed myself so much that my body is physically exhausted from just thinking of all the things I can't do. All the memories I try to suppress come back with a vengeance. All I think about are my mistakes and not my trumphs.
I can't tell if I am drifting further from my friends or if they are drifting from me. No one cares to visit or call to see how I am doing. I realize now that I have become a buzz kill and no one cares to be associated with one of those. That is one of my greatest fears. It puts a huge weight inside me. My friends are the most important things to me and without them I feel like I am nothing. But they go on without me. Leaving me behind like the small child no one else wanted to play with on the playground. I was that kid by the way.
But I think that I tried to help people so much that I lost sight of who I am and aspirations as a person. I feel empty. Without knowing what makes you happy is the most frighting experiences I have ever been though. It makes you not want to eat or breathe or talk. I just want to think and try and remember what where those little nuggets of things that made me smile or drove me to get out of bed everyday with a bright attitude. In my life I haven't been truly happy through most of it. But I know what it feels like and I need it desperately.
No comments:
Post a Comment