I'm not sure if I know what happiness is. I remember feelings of lightness and smiles. But they come and go with the wind. I wake up one day and there is a feeling of hope, the next a feeling of regret and sorrow. Yesterday I was strong, today I am weak.
So what is true happiness?
Is it a feeling that says forever?
I don't think that is the case.
I think that happiness is a light inside yourself that is so hot and so bright, that is will never go out. Sure there will be times that something will try to blow it out. But the light stays true and keeps going after each blow.
Right now, the light inside of me is very weak. Almost a fleeting spark that can't hold a flame.
It was there once, I think. Or maybe my light never could learn how to keep lit. It just fell behind of was out blazed by the rest of the flames around it.
I tied to fake it for a while. Fake it until it is real, right? But I suppose that isn't how it is done. The things that make me happy are things that don't make my family happy. Sometimes my friends.
Design.
Photography.
Cooking.
Stories.
Travel.
To be in love.
These are things my parents didn't seem to understand. So they ignored my pleas to make me apart of them. Or maybe it was a little bit of my fault too. I was too busy trying to keep my head above water in life to pay attention to the things I really wanted.
Keep people from making fun of me at school.
Keep my Mother from acting crazy.
Keep my health from fading.
Don't let people know how hurt you really feel.
The only goal I had growing up was to get away. And away I did.
Then what?
What were those goals again?
What were my dreams?
They got lost in the fight to survive out my childhood.
Now that I am an adult with the ability to make my own choices I feel lost. Because where is my light?
I have no idea. So I search and search and search. Nothing changes.
So what is true happiness?
Is it a feeling that says forever?
I don't think that is the case.
I think that happiness is a light inside yourself that is so hot and so bright, that is will never go out. Sure there will be times that something will try to blow it out. But the light stays true and keeps going after each blow.
Right now, the light inside of me is very weak. Almost a fleeting spark that can't hold a flame.
It was there once, I think. Or maybe my light never could learn how to keep lit. It just fell behind of was out blazed by the rest of the flames around it.
I tied to fake it for a while. Fake it until it is real, right? But I suppose that isn't how it is done. The things that make me happy are things that don't make my family happy. Sometimes my friends.
Design.
Photography.
Cooking.
Stories.
Travel.
To be in love.
These are things my parents didn't seem to understand. So they ignored my pleas to make me apart of them. Or maybe it was a little bit of my fault too. I was too busy trying to keep my head above water in life to pay attention to the things I really wanted.
Keep people from making fun of me at school.
Keep my Mother from acting crazy.
Keep my health from fading.
Don't let people know how hurt you really feel.
The only goal I had growing up was to get away. And away I did.
Then what?
What were those goals again?
What were my dreams?
They got lost in the fight to survive out my childhood.
Now that I am an adult with the ability to make my own choices I feel lost. Because where is my light?
I have no idea. So I search and search and search. Nothing changes.
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