Now I've gone and done it.

In the past 2 years I haven't taken a close look at myself, physically. To me, looking at the physical me in the mirror repulses me. I grew up wanting to be things with outside beauty. I craved it so much it became a talent to make things pretty. But now, I have gotten to the point where I notice myself in the mirror. The real self-neglecting person who only has the stomach for "balanced" things.

I have become the middle school version of myself all over again. And that, was my biggest fear of all.

When I say my "middle school" self, I am saying that I am fat (back to that 200lbs mark) and the pants I have make me feel big. My stomach hangs over. I can't see my feet anymore. Dates run away. Girls just push the subject under the rug. Or whisper behind my back.

This was what was tearing me apart all those years. All the sleepless nights, the mood swings, the depression, has come down to one thing.

My physical appearance.

It has a hold on me so much so that when I try to face myself in the mirror, I just start crying. I don't want to go out into the world. I want to hide and sleep it off. Maybe tomorrow will be different. The fat falling from my body feels like a monster. One big ugly monster sent to suffocate me.

Making this problem go away seems simple enough. Exercise. Get out more. Be happy.

And all those things I try to do. But I also suffer from a tumor. The medication sends my blood pressure startling low and if I miss a dose I might die.
And what if people see me. People I know. And if they try to encourage me? Sounds nice enough, but it won't feel like it to me. They all can do the things I can't. So when they wonder why I can't do those things I have to explain about my tumor. Then they grow silent and leave me alone.

The act of exercising makes me feel empty and trapped. I just want to feel happy. I don't want to feel trapped.